You're an honest guy with reasonably honorable intentions, but for some reason women occasionally look at you as if your yellowed fangs were showing while they back slowly away from you. You were just trying to introduce yourself, or flirt, or compliment her, but she looks as though she's a few steps away from calling the cops. Does that sound about right?
You're not alone. There are lots of guys who feel as though they are navigating a social minefield in which the slightest wrong gesture could, well, blow up in their face. But be comforted by the fact that you are not under attack, and these uncomfortable misunderstandings are generally not random or inevitable. In a world where women are still routinely made to feel inherently unsafe when we occupy public space, you need to know what seemingly innocuous behaviours might create a more hostile environment for women.
So, here a few tips from a real, actual woman, for real, actual men who would prefer not to accidentally creep on my co-genderists and I. It's only one perspective, but hopefully it's a halfway helpful one:
1) Show Yourself. Don't skulk about in the shadows or present closed-off postures such as crossed arms. Be open in conversation, too. If you're unwilling to tell people about yourself, don't expect others to feel safe telling you about themselves. In locations where violence is a real risk, such as a city street at night, make sure your unarmed hands are not concealed.
I also recommend avoiding face-obscuring gear, such as:
- Unnecessary sunglasses
- Mardi Gras or ski masks
- Sweaters or medieval cloaks with propped-up hoods
- Facial hair (sometimes ok)
In summary: if I feel like you're hiding, I'm going to have trouble trusting you, because...
2) Facial Expressions Are Key. Generally, the human face does a pretty good job of expressing itself, but men, too, can suffer from RBF. If you're a known scowler, for example, you might want to practice a relaxed and open expression. Don't force a smile-- it shows, and it's potentially unnerving. And as a reminder, eye contact is generally made when and only when someone is speaking or signaling their desire to speak-- at least in my California rendition of American culture.
3) Touch is Tricky-- Tread With Caution. While TIME magazine's psychologists are among those who hold that light touch (on the arm, for example) is the key to flirting (and it can be great for showing affection in well-established platonic friendships), it could make a girl who's just met you intensely uncomfortable if she isn't already signaling interest. If navigating boundaries is a struggle for you, better err on the side of limiting physical contact-- except for a requested dance, or in really successful conversations in distinctively `flirt-friendly' social settings such as parties or bars.
4) Your Car Might Amplify Creepiness. The power differential between someone who has a car and someone who doesn't is a little staggering. A great conversation with a girl probably doesn't mean that she is prepared to get in a car with you, and it's probably better not to offer rides to first-time acquaintances anyway. Never pressure or coerce a girl to get in, or stay in, a car with you. On that note, offering rides to girls at bus stops, for example, is not likely to be interpreted as a noble act of chivalry. And honking at or yelling to a woman you pass on the street is neither flattering, nor a good way to say hello to someone you recognize.
5) Special Attention Can Be Overwhelming. In many situations it might be appropriate to talk to a variety of people, rather than singling out one person to talk to. Regardless of the time balance, though, a barrage of compliments, or questions, from a stranger can be overwhelming. In general, look for signals of discomfort such as lack of eye contact and one-word answers, and excuse yourself with a confident `It was great to meet you!' if the person doesn't seem to be enjoying the exchange. If there was a signal misunderstanding, that person is perfectly capable of seeking you out again, but it's better not to press.
With all of these things in mind, it's still important to note that you aren't entitled to anyone's time or attention. You might reasonably expect certain courtesies from your grocery store clerk or guests to your family picnic, but a stranger you meet in a public or social setting isn't on the same footing with you. It's important to respect whatever boundaries she might draw, even if you don't understand them, because each woman is the expert and authority of her own personal and unique security needs.
To recap: if women are wary of you in public spaces, it may be because you are unintentionally taking postures that threaten our sense of safety. Be honest, open, and respectful of boundaries, and in time, some of us will come to understand your intentions as positive. Don't be a creeper-- even on accident!
4) Your Car Might Amplify Creepiness. The power differential between someone who has a car and someone who doesn't is a little staggering. A great conversation with a girl probably doesn't mean that she is prepared to get in a car with you, and it's probably better not to offer rides to first-time acquaintances anyway. Never pressure or coerce a girl to get in, or stay in, a car with you. On that note, offering rides to girls at bus stops, for example, is not likely to be interpreted as a noble act of chivalry. And honking at or yelling to a woman you pass on the street is neither flattering, nor a good way to say hello to someone you recognize.
5) Special Attention Can Be Overwhelming. In many situations it might be appropriate to talk to a variety of people, rather than singling out one person to talk to. Regardless of the time balance, though, a barrage of compliments, or questions, from a stranger can be overwhelming. In general, look for signals of discomfort such as lack of eye contact and one-word answers, and excuse yourself with a confident `It was great to meet you!' if the person doesn't seem to be enjoying the exchange. If there was a signal misunderstanding, that person is perfectly capable of seeking you out again, but it's better not to press.
With all of these things in mind, it's still important to note that you aren't entitled to anyone's time or attention. You might reasonably expect certain courtesies from your grocery store clerk or guests to your family picnic, but a stranger you meet in a public or social setting isn't on the same footing with you. It's important to respect whatever boundaries she might draw, even if you don't understand them, because each woman is the expert and authority of her own personal and unique security needs.
To recap: if women are wary of you in public spaces, it may be because you are unintentionally taking postures that threaten our sense of safety. Be honest, open, and respectful of boundaries, and in time, some of us will come to understand your intentions as positive. Don't be a creeper-- even on accident!
