It happened again this week: not just one, but TWO perfectly wonderful flirtationships in my life were abruptly checked by that magical word, friend. I'm not surprised or upset, really-- I quite like being friends. But as a somewhat awkward young woman, it gets a little discouraging to be so consistently reminded that I don't interest the average person as a romantic partner, no matter how much they love and respect me. I'm not saying this for pity, but because I think a lot of people, especially my fellow Autistic Spectrum surfers, feel this-- and might benefit from it being stated outright: It is actually, legitimately, a frustrating situation.
It wasn't until recently that I realized that the term 'friendzone' has become gender-specific, let alone offensive. What's the problem with recognizing that your affections aren't being returned-- with naming that disappointment? And doesn't everyone experience this at least sometimes?
Well, yes. I think we do, and I think the word is still quite useful. But we don't all experience it the same-- or respond the same way. If you're using the concept to justify thinking or saying terrible things about a person or entire gender who doesn't seem interested, you're doing it wrong. And believe me-- there are times when I have. But lately I've come to deeply appreciate the fact that nobody is entitled to anyone else's affection. Mutual attraction is pretty rare (especially among weirdos!), and it's also kind of arbitrary. If it's not there, it's not there.* There's no need to be ashamed or defensive if you bring the question to the surface and the answer is no, or if the flirtation doesn't work past a certain point of seriousness. It's not a mistake-- it's just new information.
As cheesy as it sounds, I think the best response to being consistently FriendZoned is focusing on personal growth and staying open to new possibilities. Anyone can be a good, valuable person without being 'attractive', but I believe that personal health, maturity, and reflective insight are essentially attractive qualities in the deepest sense. A series of 'no's from potential partners might provide an opportunity to reflect on ways that you can grow as a person-- not to impress anyone in particular, but so that you can enjoy your own company more, and be better prepared to contribute to whatever relationships may come.
And those opportunities will come. Every person is so startlingly different that you just can't write yourself off as 'undateable' or 'undesirable'. If you need 24 hours of self-pity, go ahead. But at some point you gotta scrape yourself out of the bottom of the Ben&Jerry's carton and keep being a great friend to people. Be realistic-- not too positive or negative-- about the cues that people are sending you. And take your time. The FriendZone isn't a prison, and we don't need to be so eager to get out just for the sake of getting out. It's a meeting place. And even though it's not always fun, I'm really thankful for everyone I've met here.
*There's no law of the universe that says that interest can't grow over time, but hope is a nasty beast. If you can't enjoy the friendship as a friendship, it may be easier just to duck out of there entirely. Just make sure the person knows your motivation for disappearing if that's what you need to do.
